Sunday, May 6, 2007

Behind the curtain in my mind

I had one of those "mom trigger moments" when Mom and I were hanging out the other day. Mom and I don't have many of these as Mom generally says what she means and I don't usually over-read her remarks. However, when she suggested that I seem stressed out, and seem to often be irritated or irritable, I felt like I had to explain myself. She said this to me as I was telling her about a conversation Zirpu and I had about how each of us manages anger - not about our being angry with each other.

Even in the moment I felt like if this was Tea, or TL, or Desi or any other of my friends saying, "Hey, you seem kind of stressed out lately" that's what I would hear, and I would consider if I am indeed stressed out, and why. But because it was my mom, what I heard was, "You should mellow out. Your life would be easier because you wouldn't be annoyed all the time, and because people wouldn't think you are a pain in the ass, (though even in my mind the voice isn't saying she finds me a pain in the ass)," and "You could be better, nicer, etc."

Still, my first thought was that I will have to start editing what I talk to her about. Last weekend I complained about some things that happened in the training I'd attended, but I can't remember about complaining to her about being annoyed about other things, though I probably have because I don't think Mom would make stuff up. Maybe I have been irritable; I know I have been feeling some stress even though I'm not sure why.

This afternoon while drinking coffee with a new friend, I asked her what she does for fun, and she gardens, climbs rocks, hikes, and watches anime with friends, among other things. She asked me the same thing, and I couldn't really name anything quickly. I do things I think are fun, like go to Bi Women's meetings and work at the food bank, but those aren't really things I do for fun. Because I'm not feeling that happy about our last conversation, hanging out with Mom didn't make the list, though I think usually it does. I've only had one dance lesson in the last three weeks and I've been feeling burnt out about dance so dancing didn't either.

This may be why I have been reading so much lately (and Raven was a downer). I feel like I have been struggling writing this blog, though I have been faithful to my original resolution and keep doing it, quality (and audience) be damned. This is work too (and harder than the food bank, for sure). Because I don't know why I'm stressed I can't really do anything to alleviate it, other than not pay attention (read a book).

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